This entry is long overdue, but I think I'm ready. I will give fair warning it will most likely be long. It's going to be hard for me, and it will definitely cause me lots of tears. It's not so I remember, I will never ever forget. I just think for healing purposes I need to do this.
It's Wednesday morning and I'm off. It was planned the week earlier that I would take the day off and spend the day at the house with my sister. So much had changed so quickly. Being in and out of the hospital with various issues. She finally came home on Friday the week before. I stopped after work for a visit. She was in pain, and very 'groggy'. I could see in her eyes things weren't right. I helped get her situated in her chair. 'Pat, are you cold?', her reply was no but she felt cold. I covered her with her quilt and it was then her eyes started to dance a bit with worry. She tried to get up. I assured her that we had taken care of the request she had made weeks earlier. In one of our talks, when she was with it, she had asked to get quilted tree skirts for her girls. My Aunt had given all of us one years and years ago and they mean the world to us. She wanted her girls to have one for themselves, from her. My sister in law had done the running and found the perfect ones. They'd be ready that Monday. She settled down, you could see with her breath and sigh that a weight had been lifted from her troubled mind. She relaxed.
I took my rings off and sat on the floor in front of her. I grabbed the lotion and began rubbing her feet and lower legs. Something we'd all done so many times before. I hate feet, but this was my sister. This was something I could do to make her feel better even if only for a few minutes. Since her liver was basically failing everything wasbacking up. She was swollen and her skin was dry. Her feet had gotten so large the skin was taught. It was painful for her and the fear was it would dry out and crack causing that much more discomfort.
She hadn't been eating much and now was no different. Her mouth felt dry everything tasted like salt. Not appetizing to anyone, but when you're sick who cares. She was stubborn and fed herself, and tried with all her might to get at least a few bites in.
Saturday was the same. I had stopped earlier in the day. As visitors came I left. I didn't want to over excite her. She tried so hard to follow the conversation but she was getting things mixed up. We talked about things in our past both funny and sad. We remembered and when she did she lit up like a spot light.
That evening things took a turn. My brother in law called my sister, a RN, for help. She went over and did the best she could. They called the Hospice nurse and got additional direction. On Sunday Hospice came and it was decided it was time to go to the facility. We didn't have the strength to move her as she needed to be moved, we didn't have the know how to do some of the additional things that needed to be done. That in itself broke my heart. I wished.. I hoped... but there was really no choice. I ached for my brother in law and her children. We needed to do what was best for her, not us. We all wanted so bad to be able to take care of her. It was not possible.
Pat was moved on Monday. She was comfy in bed when I got there after work. I bent over her, gave her a kiss. Let her know it was me and told her I loved her. She did open her eyes, and looked but I have no idea if she knew. Her eyes were dark and almost looked empty. Off in a distant land. Everyone was there. Support and hugs given. Tuesday more of the same.
Now it's Wednesday morning. I arrive at the center, instead of her house, with coffee in hand. In the hall I run into my brother in law, coffee in hand. 'Who beat me to it?' His eyes were sad. 'I have to warn you. The girls are here, we called them last night. She is breathing with a rattle.' I'd heard of that before, but never had experienced it first hand. It is not a sound you'll ever forget. I got to the room and again bent over her, told it was me, told her I loved her and kissed her forehead. For the first time she did not open her eyes. She did not try to look, turn to the sound. Nothing. I hugged the girls. Probably harder and longer then I have ever done. So freaking strong they were. We talked and reminisced. We laughed, we cried. The girls left to talk to a councilor. My brother in law had stated they all had time with Pat privately, said their piece. They had been told, as we all have heard, sometimes folks hang on for something. Some one to visit, something to be said, sometimes they wait until no one is there.
When the girls got back we decided to sit outside Pat's room. Let her have some time alone. We were right outside the door, and could hear her. We did more talking and then realized it was noon. They were hungry. I offered to run and grab lunch. We decided on chicken from a local chicken place. The girls decided they wanted to go too. They went in and let Pat know, grabbed their coats. I went in. Got my coat, and leaned over her. Told her what I was doing, let her know the girls would be with me, said I love you, and gave her a kiss. We left.
We really weren't gone that long. A few calls were made, and then I got the call from my brother in law to get the girls back. I told the cashier I'd be back for lunch, since it wasordered and paid for. She said it would done in a minute. 'I don't have a minute, I will be back'. Off we went. We all knew, but as I pulled on to the road to get back to the center, I couldn't help but say to the girls. 'Good thing your Mom helped me learn to drive.' We laughed through our tears. I was driving safely, but like a maniac. I dropped the girls at the door and I went to park. I got in and my other niece was in tears in the foyer. 'Did they get back in time?' She cried harder. My heart ached, but I knew that is exactly what my sister wanted. She wanted to let go when her girls were not there. It was only after that I learned my brother in law whispered to her that he'd be right back and he walked out and wasn't in the room either. She planned it to a 't'. You might remember I said that back when I let you all know. She wanted to be buried on a Saturday. Waked two days. No inconveniencing anyone else, or as little as possible.
The days that followed were hell. I have no other way to put it. Though the crowds, and I do mean crowds that came to pay their respects were unbelievable, I ached. I hated this had happened. My faith wavered several times. Things are so unfair when such pain and heartache is bestowed on good people. I don't mean me, I mean her, her husband, her daughters. They played by the book and did things right!
Not a day goes by that I don't think of my sister. Not a day passes that I don't want to pick up the phone. Tell her something, give her news, yes and bitch about something insignificant in the big picture. I miss her. I miss her goodness, her smile, her laugh. She had a calmness about her that can be matched by no other. She was strong and good. She fought a good hard fight and lost. It sucks!
I've remembered each of my promises and have kept to them. I've triedto learn from her goodness and be a bit kinder each day. Love more, have less anger. Smile more and put the tears away. Some days are good, others not so much. I will never forget her, nor her special way. I will cherish our time and my memories. I find myself talking to her at times. I've left the candle going. I've told her things, but mostly that I will love her forever. I will tell her regularly her girls are gems and are so special to so many.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far.... sorry for the length. I could have been longer .........
Shelly a special thanks to you for making my quilted square. I've had it displayed on my sidebar since you sent it. Love you girlfriend!!! Also thank you all for putting up with my moods, my lack of entries with any content. With me in general.
Hugs
~d
