Do I have eyes in the back of my head? No, I do not, but sometimes I think I need them. I am curious. Looking for some feedback on loyalty, consideration, what exactly friendship is. Not just in real life, on the net too. You know, you give and give and get nothing or very little. You send emails or call and leave messages, but nothing comes back. Not even an 'F YOU'. Things just go ignored. Disappearing into thin air with no explanation, leaving friends to worry and wonder. All attempts to reach out, just blown off. Then low and behold one day there they are as though nothing happened. Expecting you to give some more. Acting as though all is ok. How do react to something like that? Is it different on line? Do you just forgive and forget and act as though nothing happened as well? Go right back to where you before - giving and hoping you get something in return? Do you put your guard up and wish you had eyes in the back of your head? I know right now I wish I had eyes in the back of my head. My gut tells me to be very very careful. Your thoughts?
60 comments:
Good questions Donna
I personally treat my real life friends and my online friends the same .....both should be treated the way I want to be treated.
Hugs
Mari
Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. The golden rule. If people don't show you consideration and it is all one sided you can either forgive them or forget them. Depends upon what they mean to you. You can only do so much and can't control them. Just be who you are and concentrate on being happy and positive and don't worry about them and their flaws. Have a terrific Thursday.
Allison
Donna, I treat people the way I want to be treated and if someone acts rude or ignores me they are 'nt going to be popular in my life, know what I mean ? Hugs to you Lisa
When we open ourselves to others, that makes us vunerable. When we are vunerable, we are open to pain. However, if we do not allow ourselves to be open to pain, then we also miss out on all the good things life has to offer. Sometimes we expect others to have the same qualites we have and when we realize they fall short of what we expected, then we feel hurt and betrayed. However, we need to realize how we portray another person may not be the way they really are. We usually make someone out to be the person we need them to be rather than to see the real person in front of us.
I'm not sure where this is coming from, but IF your gut is telling you be careful THEN DO IT. I hope the person I'm thinking of is not back again the one I'm thinking of is NO COUNT. You'll figure it out you know what has been done to you.
Friendships are just that and a true friend wouldn't treat you badly.
Take care, Chrissie
http://journals.com/nay0114/almost-paradise-ii/
D.
Some people don't consider online friendships as REAL, so just be very careful who you open yourself up to. I know most in J-land consider us a community of real friends, a place where TRUE friendships have developed, and they HAVE, But if you've experienced a situation where someone hasn't shown you the same respect, follow your heart and be careful. Are you comfortable ASKING what's been happening with this person, maybe she's gone through something she isn't comfortable sharing (?), maybe she's afraid you will think differently of her... is it worth the benefit of a doubt (?).
I hope it all works out well.
Joann
HMMMMM, I can definitely relate to this though I'm the one who isnt returning calls , messages ETC..... I have a couple of friends who are pissed off at me and think that jus cause I havent spoken to them or anything in the last maybe 3 to 4 weeks , some even more, that I am mad at them or that I dont wish to be their friend any longer. It's totally not that. For me it is just that going thru so much personally its hard for me to pick up the phone and be all jolly and try to act as if nothing is bothering me. I also do not want to burden anyone with all my troubles when they probably have issues of their own. I just think that sometimes people just need a lil time for themselves and I ADMIT that it is messed up of us not to talk about and let our friends know how we are feeling, but every now and then we sometimes people need their space. I think you should give them the benefit of the doubt and maybe ask them if there is something wrong or if they need someone to talk to?... Don't worry they will realize how much a good friend you are and they are not going to want to lose that. I do suggest being careful because I know from experience that people are not always what they say they are or even what they pretend to be....
Take Care D, and A Happy New Year to you and your Family!
Steph
(((((((((((((((HUGSTOYOU)))))))))))))))Its so hard to trusting anyone theeses day.I would go with what your heart is telling you to do.I know it is hard.I do hope that things work out for the best of you.
I'm not sure what has happened here, Donna. I think that if you think you should be careful, then maybe you should be.
I'm sorry to hear that someone may have hurt you.
Hugs to you
Carolxx
I think if you gut is telling you to be careful then go with that feeling...
I am the one who does not respond very well to those reaching out to me....but for reasons I cannot go into here.....but definitely go with your gut...trust your instincts....
Hope it sorts itself out!!
-Ellie
Follow your heart sweety.sorry if you've beenhurt.You are too sweet for that.
Sometimes 'life' gets in the way and people online just pop in when they can,and of course miss a lot of stuff that came their way.
Don't take it so hard-you never know what goes on behind closed doors...
Have a 'GREAT 2008'
**BIG HUGS**
connie
I am having something similar at the moment and I just don't know what to do either. Maybe I am expecting too much but like you I expect a message/email to be replied to, even if it is just to say 'sorry, I am busy at the moment but I will be in touch soon'. Trouble is I just don't know who my real friends are in day to day life now in the outside world.........j-land is different and I can honestly say my real friends are here!!!
,I have been absent and am guilty ,of being AWOL ,due to all sorts mainly my old problem ,but I am fighting it ,...love Jan xx
Donna
There is so much that goes on in real life that can't be detected through this medium. There may be very good reasons why your friend did not communicate with you for a while. Reasons that have nothing to do with you at all. If the friend comes back and wants to resume the online friendship, I'd say give them a second chance. Not returning phone calls is not an online thing, though. That is in real life and I don't know what to say about that. I must add that my online friends are my real life friends, too. I make no distinction between the two.
Sam
I think i have to go along with you there D with being cautious.
If there is a valid reason......what i cannot imagine if it has gone on for some time though............ but if thre is then i personally feel that it is up to the person to explain why they have been absent, not responding to mails, phone calls etc. Whilst i can accept that there are times when people may disappear ( they could be ill mentally or physically and maybe not feel that they can express themselves to you, or worry about how you may react, they may be going through another kind of trauma that they feel they cannot open up about.Maybe real life has become particularly hard for them.
Apart from these things i cannot see why a ' so called friend ' would ignore you.
I am very funny in the sense that if someone crosses me it is very rarely that i would make the first move to reform that friendship especially if i felt that i was not in the wrong. There have been a couple of occasions where i have not spoken to people for months because of something that they have done, but failed to see that, in the end they have come back to me and apologised.
If you have not done anything wrong then i really cannot think of a reason why someone would be so hard towards you.
Hugs Jayne
h
Hard to say....Loyalty goes a long way....friendship is a two way street and you know I have had this problem with my (ex)friend....I now take everything with a grain of salt and am very cautious.
I have some people online that I would do whatever they asked me, and some.....um NO.
I don't know if this helped!!!
Michele
Hi Donna ~
I really kind of agree with Connie's comments below. Sometimes things come up in our lives and we just don't have the time to respond as we should! I think there are times when we are ALL GUILTY of that! I don't think you should carry that burden/concern either ~ just let it be! I HOPE that I will always be a more responsive 'buddy', but if there are others who disappoint me, then I'll just move on.
You do such an OUTSTANDING job with your feedback ~ I can understand why it can get frustrating to you at times!
I have to start getting ready for our trip to Florida this month ~ LOTS & LOTS to do before I'm ready to go!!! I have to start going NO MAIL in some of my groups and get them ALL NO MAIL or UNSUBSCRIBED before I leave! I'll be back by the 1st of March! Just letting you know that time is very limited right now ...
I'll miss your daily/weekly thoughts ~ you are the BEST!
Hugs ~ Lois B
I would be very careful! I have a person in my life who only calls on me when life is tough on her. She doesn't answer e-mails, to busy to call, says she has no time to visit but when she does actually e-mail me to tell me how life sucks I find that she has went on vacation to see other friends. I'm slowly cutting off this friendship cause I always feel used. Emmi
ok, 1st off, LISTEN TO THAT GUT. Trust me on that one. I have learned the hard way to ALWAYS go with my gut instinct. There are some people, online and IRL, who are just takers and so into themselves that they do not even think of the other person...was this person already like that? or does that person have some ulterior motive? If they go bye bye and ignore you and then suddenly pop back up and want something right off the bat, they are no REAL friend....they are a user and it is up to you if that person is valuable enough to you in SOME form if you want to give your time/love/friendship/whatever it is to them. I can say that i think you deserve WAY more out of a relationship than that though!
love, lisa
I agree with you, if you feel it, go with your gut on this one. I've been hurt by people recently that don't even know they hurt me, my feelings that is. They say they are your friend, then boom you read in each journal of your friends they did something they said they couldn't do for you...hmmmmm....yep, friendship is a two way street. I am being more selective now...and protective of my feelings even more. Stay strong, stay safe...hugs and love,
Joyce
hi d, i am sorry for your troubles. You are a lovely erson and don't deserve unkindness. I am afraid I am not much help with friendships, i don't have many friends. I have one friend who i see every few weeks, we chat and catch up and then don't talk for a few weeks, but we have very different lives. I have trouble making friends and when i think i have made a friend it turns out they are not. perfect example my hen night in september, i invited people i thought were friends no one showed up it was just my sister, mum and the wife of clives friend, not really a friend, she ended up calling her 17 yr old daughter & friend over to try and make it better, I just though F it and got drunk. I am not sure what it is maybe I come across badly, I hope that I don't here, i am sorry if i do. I would say trust your insticts, but i don't trust mine, i am usually wrong. Prehaps a little patience will reveal the truth. take care mrs t xx
http://journals.aol.co.uk/mleppard06/eternity/
h
I don't think online~usually~is the same as someone IRL, but if you are talking on the phone a lot & emailing & it just stops even though you continue that is odd, but perhaps the person is ill or has a problem they have not disclosed to you? I had someone who suffers from depression stop bothering with me online & then he wrote me~much later~that he just COULDN'T.
Also I was at the main journals page yesterday & saw you had over 100 comments. Although I continue to find this aspect of journaling hysterical, some people have comment jealousy. I mean after all you can cash that in for a gift card to the mall, right Donna? ;-0
~Mary
Well I am chatty and tend to talk my problems to death so I can figure out how to deal with them. A good friend, and I know she is a friend withdraw and holds it in until she can deal with it. Depending on how bad the problem on how long it takes to hear from her. I am not insulted. We both handle things in different ways. Maybe this person is like that.
Julie
I think that online friendships need careful monitoring. I have watched people be absolutely horrible to others. Here in J-land especially and then they go on as though they are the sweetest people. I always want to warn others about them but not sure I want to look like a tattler or something. As much as I want to trust, I am wary.
Traci
I agree with Traci and feel online friendships need to be monitored carefully, our Journals can reveal all aspects of our lives, I tend really just to look at those, unfortunately there are some I've seen here in Jland, that seem intent to cause trouble, if they feel that you don't agree with their opinons etc. Above treat others as you would like to be treated.
Yasmin
xx
I've been where you are now. Not in J-Land but in a 'senior chat room'. Someone I thought was a friend said some really mean things to and about me. I quit going to ANY chat rooms because of it. Here is what I think (for what it's worth)...
IRL your friends know who you are and how you live and behave in your life. Computer friends, while there are some dear ones, don't REALLY know you. They have a sense of you, but don't really know who you are. If they did, they would appreciate that you give so much of yourself and only expect some loyal friendship in return. If you are like me, your feelings are hurt and that's not fun. I confronted the person who said they were sorry and begged me to come back to chat (which I chose not to do). I hope things get resolved for you. You do so much work for strangers and most really appreciate you. I know I do.
Hugs and Luv, Joyce
Trust your gut, those are reliable.
If you're able to extend forgiveness, do so...even if it's in the silence of your head/heart. If you feel "burdened" by the friendship, I'd say let it go. Friendship shouldn't be burdensome; be it IRL or on-line. Yes, we share in each other's lives and offer opinions, but I'm sure you know the difference. It's unfortuante that there are people who "suck the life" out of others. For me, those are people I don't need around.
Admittedly, I'm the worst when it comes to using a phone. I despise them...all. I will return a call, albeit I'd rather write...than call. LOL I'm one of those who have the tendency to internalize situations. If I write about it, or tell someone what's bugging me, it's generally because I'm soooo agitated, and my gut is telling me to spit it out, before it [the gut] gets an ulcer. I'm also a loner.
I really hate that someone is causing you such concern. But, I'm sure you'll make a wise decision, and the one that is best for you.
Hugs,
Cindy
If you did have eyes in the back of your head then you would need to be careful when washing your hair. Shampoo in eyes really stings. Also, you would have a very odd haircut.
:o)
Happy new year.
Online relationships and person to person relationships can be different. But if you are actually calling this person, and leaving messages on their phone which are not being returned, that is kind of wishy washy... Trust your gut instinct, but call them on it. Ask them WHY they haven't been responding to your emails or phone calls. Julie :)
I do beleieve that friendships online are a bit different than real life friends. I think expectations should be set a little lower. Online life is simply what it is..it is not reality as we know it in everyday experiences. People will come and go online. It is what it is. People do have their own reality behind the computer screen and may or may night sign on for days or months. People pop up to me all the time that I haven't spoke to in a while. Yes, I speak back because their coming back to were they left off. It's much easier to jump in and out of someone's life online..I believe more understandable as well. Only my opinion..have a great day, -Missy
On-line relationships, ahhh. Have written a few posts about that, and it's ever so tricky. I take them at a distance, Donna.
Who knows what went on in that persons life?
I am sorry you had to go though such an experience. If you find the strength, in your heart, to forgive, then forgive that person. I don't think you will get ever "close" to that person again, but at least you can move on and you can begin to heal.
I wish you the best. Hugs, Maria
Donna, just read 39 posts, some good advise in there some where. You do not need mine but I think you know it has something to do with a hard shell.
Take care, Bill
um you okay?
I have been so forunate that I have met the most wonderful people online. But, I've only been in J-Land for a few months. When we write in our journals, it comes from the soul. Your friend..sometimes things happen IRL that we were we have to put the puter on hold. But, a true friend should have let you know. Otherwise it's rude.
IRL, I had a friend who would call me up when she was so depressed I'd be on he phone for hours. I go ill suddenly,she knew, and once I felt better I've tried o call and she blows me off or doesn't answer the phone. I decided it was time to move on.
I did feel like I alienated you way back when your sister was ill. I felt like you had so much to do, going to the hospital, family obligations, feelings, & you had so many commenters in your journal. I undersood..andn said you didn'; need o wrie for each commmen I lef. I did not intend alienate you...I thought I was being considorate.
I hope work out with your frieind (s), mucho hugs Bethe
Nope, I would refuse to live life always looking over my shoulder or wishing that I had eyes in the back of my head. If you feel that way...then walk away from that person. You'll be better off in the end.
Good Luck...you'll do good...you always have.
Brenda
Donna, I feel so blessed to have met so many wonderful, loyal friends (or if you will, friendly acquaintences) here in journals but I too have had an experience that left me sort of 'cold' or 'hanging'. Friendship is a two-way street ... when it becomes one way it may be time to move on.
I wouldn't want to worry and be watching my back all the time with someone. Been there. Done that. It stinks.
{{{hugs}}}
I agree with Brenda. Helen
I have always looked at friendships in the past as a healthy part of my life. I would rather be healthy and alone, than sick and with someone who drains all I have to offer, from me. Feelings are a true part of a relationship and if someone doesn't or won't respect them, then you need to ask yourself "Are they worth what I have to offer"? You are a kind soul who has alot to offer a friendship - My hopeful thoughts for clarity are coming your way. Take care of you, my friend,
Katie
True friends, in person or online, do not just disappear without explanation. If you have someone in your life like that, then I would have to say, they are not a true friend..Especially if they return to your life only to take....You do not deserve to be treated like this..Keep only healthy relationships in your life...
Take Care,
Sheri
I've recently had a situation like this too....it's hurtful.
Despite not wanting to, I feel like I have to protect myself emotionally and you probably should too.
'Real' friends don't disappear at all. At least they shouldn't anyway. That's my take on this...
XOXO,
bridgett
Well I'm commenter 51 so I can see a lot of people have their opinions and I haven't read anyone elses. My thoughts are if you ask them what happened and they avoid giving you an answer or just give some rediculous and pat answer, I'd gracefully let the friendship go most likely. Ultimately it obviously wasn't a friendship of true nature from their side otherwise they wouldn't have done it. Now if there's a good reason and you feel you want to pursue the friendship then I say forgive and move on with the friendship.
Personally, I think it's probably the first option because when it's a true friendship the person should at least email you and give you at least a small idea of what's going on...just saying "I'm needing a break for right now, and once I'm ready I will email or call" hey I think many of us have been at that place before, but you don't just cut people out of your life and expect them to be opened arms to you if there's been no communication about why they virtually dropped off the face of the earth.
I do btw think that internet friends and RLF have the same responsibility. If you call someone a friend, then be a friend....just because we don't have face to face conversations doesn't mean they aren't a true friend and shouldn't be held to the same standards.
In today's world, communication is just far too easy to cut someone you claim to be your friend out of your life with no warning, explanation, etc.
JMHO
Christy
Sorry, I forgot to leave my name.
Jude
http://journals.aol.com/jmorancoyle/MyWay
There are those of us who are decent, caring people. The problem is, is trying to figure out who that is. hate to say that I'm guarded in the regards to friendship. But I am. Online and off. Do what you have to, to protect yourself. Good luck. I hope everything works out.
h
h
I always say go with your gut....even though sometimes it is wrong...more likey than not it is right.
Stacy
wow, I've actually had this happen to me more than once before with people in the real world and online. I cant speak for anyone else but I know for me, when it comes to relationships wether it be online or people who live near me, I put my whole heart into relationships...I dont know why but it seems in most relationships Im always doing most of the giving, and when u give and give and get nothing in return, it hurts, makes me want to stop giving, and to have someone just disappear with no explanation it hurts and then when they pop back up thinking everything is suppose to be the same it pisses me off. This happen with a person I thought was my friend online before and when this happen I did put up a wall, and she noticed it and she got mad at me and stopped writing me cuz she said I wasn't giving anything...that hurt me really bad...and the same thing has happened with people here where I live..things like this makes me feel like closing myself off from the world...this is the reason why I am very cautious and very selective of who I talk to and spend my time with. Sorry for the long comment but...this entry just brought back lots of memories.
I have come to believe that online friendships are a different category than in-person relationships. While they can be somewhat pleasant and satisfying, they aren't the same. They have to be taken for what they are: a connection made when people have time to connect to the Internet.
I've learned that when the demands of real-life kick in, they absolutely must take priority, and that can mean an interruption in those online connections. People who have your best interests at heart will understand.
It's hard to keep those connections in perspective because we can communicate in so many more ways now, but I don't believe that the Internet "friendships" can be nurtured and maintained the way in-person relationships can.
I feel the same way and wonder the same things so I know how you feel. I don't know about anyone else or what brought this entry on but know that i am one friend you can call on anytime
love you, Marina
Being ignored is something that really ticks me off...in real life and online...it only takes a little time and effort to let someone know they get what you are saying...or an email with a sorry..I've been really busy kinda thing...but being ignored makes me livid!!! I think real life/online friendships can be just as strong...if both people put what it takes into it....but sadly alot of times it's alot of giving...and nothing if very little in return.... I'm not sure what has went on to make you ponder these things, but know your not alone....
Hugs
Terri
follow your instincts. usually the first thought about a situation is the real thing. ((((hugs))))))
Love,
Cindy
I think online friendships are real, we're real people with feelings aren't we?! It's not nice to be ignored in real life or online. I think it's an abandonment of manners generally, not many people have them nowadays. Jeannette xx
h
That is the problem I find with the internet friendships. In real life friendships you can tell if someone is being honest with you in body language etc.....on the internet we just seem to trust and that is wrong!! Hope you are ok Donna and things work out ok xx
Jenny
I am quilty of going awol at times and for that I am sorry it's just that sometimes I feel so dark that reading journals and commenting just seems so exhausting as does writing in my own. I do count you as friend and hope that you feel the same too.
Debbie
xxx
Have you been reading my mind lately Donna??? I've been wondering the same thing for several weeks now and I'm not sure how to deal with it. I was going to do a journal entry but have backed off from writing it. I would say go with your gut which I'm still not sure of. LOL Some advice, huh?
Hugs,
D
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