Monday, October 31, 2005

Trick or Treat




Definitely full of treats tonight.  I went to my sisters house to see her grandchildren in their costumes.  What a treat!  They had already been at the other grandparents and came in with bags full of goodies.  You name it, they had it.  Lots of good candy too!  Bags of chips, full size candy bars, little bags of goodies.  They even got a goodie bad from a Dentist in the area.  Toothbrush, toothpaste, floss.  LOL Suppose it's a write off for him?  

By the time they got to my sisters, they were tired and a bit crabby.  It had already been a long day and night.  Immediately Bug had to empty her bag and show us the goodies.  Her brother was ready to hit the houses and get more.  Before they ran off I was able to snag a picture, but it wasn't easy, let me tell you!  What a riot!   

My sister didn't get too many kids while we were there, and I never get any, so it was fun to pick through the candy.  LOL I will be up all night on a sugar high.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Let the Beauty In


It was an absolutely beautiful day!  After weeks of dark skies, lots of rain on and off, and no sun, I was amazed at that the sun was out today.  Hence my earlier post :)   

My head was pounding on and off, but I HAD to open all the curtains all the blinds.  I had to let the sunshine in, let the beauty of fall peak in my windows.  It wasn't warm enough to open the windows, but I would have if I wasn't feeling so cruddy.  The colors glistened in the sunlight and some trees actually looked like they were on fire.  

I did very little again today.  I must be getting lazy in my old age.  I remember being sick and still going like the energizer bunny.  Not any more, although I think I could go with just the cold, the headache is debilitating.  I use to get migraines, and that is not what this is, it isn't that I can't stand the light, the sound, movement.  Just a constant pounding which is more than likely from sinus pressure.   

As you can tell it didn't stop me from my new animation.  LOL  Something to go along with my day :)

Hallows' Eve

I know there are many people out there do not celebrate Halloween, but there are many that do.  We are all entitled to our own preferences and no offense is ever meant. :)  

Me, I grew up celebrating.  We went trick or treating, parties, haunted hay rides, you name it we did it.  It's been awhile since I've been to a dress up party, maybe I'm old!  Up until a few years ago we use to dress up at work.  My son attended a few parties this weekend, along with other family members.  Tomorrow I will go to my sisters to see the kids in their costumes before they are off.  It is usually a fun night and I so enjoy seeing all the goblins.   

I hope everyone has fun in whatever they decide to do.  Be safe, and be careful driving.  

Me..... well, I will be off............                               


What is it?


I need some help folks.  I can't figure out what is happening here.  I didn't sleep in as late as yesterday but when I got up it was so different outside, unexplainable!  The sky was baby blue, the clouds were white and fluffy, some barely visible.  Then I looked to the right a bit and over the house across the street there was this golden, yellow, orange ball.  It was sending what looked like rays of light down to earth.  The trees in it's path looked like they were on fire.  The reddish golden leaves glistened as they swayed in the breeze.  These rays seemed to radiate some type of heat, warmth, a feeling I haven't had in what seemed like weeks.  What happened?  What is that ball? Can somebody help?

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Summer Rain-Fall Rain



Going from a nice summer rain to a cool dark fall rain.  Both are beautiful in their own right, but my sinuses, head, and chest don't like it at all!  


The Big Apple


I appreciate all the get better wishes and will tell you I am feeling a bit better.  I can at least keep my head up without it pounding and feeling like it weighs 300 pounds.  I slept in until almost 10 and that is not like me at all, but I was up later than the norm.  I did have my 'be free' day to some extent.  I laid on the couch, played on the computer, even took a nap!  I didn't get out of my jammies until at least mid afternoon.  I had to at that point.  I had a dinner invitation at my parents.  Mom was cooking a turkey!   

Yeap, she's a bit early but she had one and wanted to cook it.  I thought for sure it would be combined with a leaf raking party since the entire family was invited.  Their yard is huge and I swear every tree within ten miles send leaves to their yard.  Maybe the grass is softer and makes for a better landing.  It could even be the leaves know if they land there they will be picked up and put away instead of being left out to experience the winter months.  I don't know, but I know how many leaves they get and they don't have THAT many trees.  Anyway, when we got there the yard wasn't bad.  Not yet anyway!  So many still on the trees so we haven't escaped yet.   

Dinner was out of this world!  I didn't take all the fixings, even though I knew they would be great, I wasn't willing to test my stomach.  It hasn't been bad really, but I wasn't going to push my luck.  I nibbled here and there and of course had a few scoops of my Father's cran-rasberry sauce that he makes.  It is to die for!  My great nephew kept telling everyone to eat the 'orange stuff it's delicious!'  My sister in laws sweet potato recipe a little sweet but it is good.   

As we sat around the table after dinner was done and the table was cleared, we chatted.  It had been brought up in the past-goingon ashopping trip to the Big Apple.  All the 'girls' going on an excursion that leaves late at night and then you have all day to shop and you leave late the following night.  You're actually only in the city for the day.  Sounds like a blast and I think we may just do it.  Not just to shop but see some of the sights as well.  As much as we can squeeze in.   

I helped my dad a bit with his computer and showed him some neat tricks on Paint Shop Pro.  He will be as addicted to it as I am in no time.  LOL  My younger sister too.  She is learning pretty fast and loves to play with the pictures.  She got a scrap booking program and I helped her navigate around a bit there.  Can't wait to see what she sends out!  Needless to say I remembered the picture of Central Park I had and decided it would go great with this little entry.  It appears to be an older picture so maybe I can get an up to date one on my trip :)   

Time will tell!

Friday, October 28, 2005

Meds Kickin In


My Theraflu is doing the trick.  For those of you who have never tried it, let me tell you it works!  Just heat water like you would for tea and put the powder in, stirring until it dissolves.  A ton of flavors to pick from but I will fore warn you, it is nasty!  Get it past your lips, over the tongue and down your throat into your belly and you will sleep without hacking, sneezing, you can breath, and you don't feel hung over in the morning.  Nyquil puts me in a fog for days and I can't stand it.  Theraflu, well it is not sugar flavored, or sweetened up to take the 'bite' out of the taste but it works like a charm and helps you sleep.  Helps so much in that area I wouldn't recommend driving or operating heavy equipment... LOL like you'd feel like doing either if you need to take it!?!  

So with that said, it's off to find a nice warm bear to snuggle, that extra pillow, my warm comforter, and in to dreamland I go. 

Fall Back


I can't believe it is already October 29 and it is time for most of us to roll our clocks back an hour.  Just what I need, for it to be even darker (if that's possible) when I get up in the morning!  All this week I had a heck of a time crawling out of bed.  Maybe the cold air, the darkness, or not feeling well, but I can't believe it is time to 'fall back' already.  Funny thing, they say, 'turn your clock back at 2:00 am on Sunday.'  Yeah right!  I'm going to get up out of bed and turn all my clocks back!  Geeeze does it really matter if I do it before I go to bed, or first thing in the morning?  Why do they say 2:00 am??  LOL   

I'm reminding you now, just don't forget or your Sunday could be all messed up!

PS Don't forget to change the batteries in your smoke detectors as well :)  And no you do not have to do that at exactly 2:00 am either, just make sure you do it. 

Winter Scenes





I have a meeting with the Marketing Director on Monday to go over some ideas and thoughts on what to do for the holiday animation/graphic.  The CEO and President will probably stop in here and there to give us suggestions and ideas.  I'm pretty excited about the whole idea as you probably can tell with all the winter type graphics I've been playing with and sharing.  Here are a couple more :) 

Be Free


The last couple of days I haven't felt great, coming down with a cold or something.  I've been pumping all kinds of stuff into me to kick it before it kicks me!  Actually that kicked me as well because it has me sleeping at odd hours and up until near dawn.  I decided this weekend I would 'be free.'  

Free from house cleaning, free from laundry, free from waiting on everyone but me.  Free from worries of financial restraints, free from bringing work home with me.  Just be free to do what I want to do.  I think it is important we all take a day or two every once in a while to take time to pamper ourselves and leave as much of the responsibilities we have behind.  Just for a bit obviously, but be free.  Cutting the lawn can wait a day, putting away the outside furniture, doing windows, doing chores.  Take a break and be free.  Take the kids to grand ma and grand pa's house, a friends house, be free to do something for you, just you.  Don't get out of your jammies 'til mid day (or stay in them all day!), order in and eat out of the box it came in.  Be free from doing dishes, cleaning up.  Read that book, watch that movie, lay and bed and just do nothing, soak in a hot bath, go fly fishing, sit and watch the game, go play the game with the guys, play on the computer with no worries.  Be free!

Thursday, October 27, 2005



Some of you may already know that I absolutely love wolves.  I'm not sure if it is the mystic way about them but I find them beautiful in their own right.    The Wolf - Canis lupus  Not as dangerous as is commonly supposed   'What is time to a wolf?  The mating of wolves is permanent, and the grief caused by separation is also permanent.'  -Poledra.                           

The wolf is both cunning and intelligent.  These are the qualities which, when combined with exceptional physical toughness, have enabled it to survive in many parts of the world.  It is a most interesting carnivore, very courageous and a born fighter.  Very similar to the human :)  

I use to collect them, pictures, cut glass figurines, carved stone, you name it I think I had it.  When I left my marriage and moved back here I left them all behind.  Actually, I left everything behind.  All I came home with was myself, my son, and our clothes.  I thought I'd start that collection again, but really never have except on line.  These are just a couple of graphics I animated way back in the beginning but wanted to share them.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Winter Scenes




I'm flattered!  Our marketing manager saw some of my animation and she asked if I would consider doing some animated winter scenes to use as part of our holiday wishes.  We will have to keep it politically correct, obviously, so no Santa's, no Christmas trees, etc.  I threw a couple things together this evening and will be really concentrating on it this weekend.  I'd like to do a winter scene with a cardinal.  I think the red will add a nice touch to the white.  In the meantime I thought I'd share the quick things I did tonight.  

PS Derek, I am not ready for winter!!  LOL  Just working on a project and sharing the work :)~

At your service


Ok, ok, so I am a Relationship Manager by day and I am supposed to 'service' our clients as well as sell, but I am so tired!  Not tired of my job, just tired.  It's been crazy for the past several weeks.  I've been covering for G while she deals with her personal life helping her Mom in her Dad's passing.  With them being out of town she has been going back and forth.  There are a couple of folks in the department and you'd think one of them would offer to assist, just a bit?  Noooooooooooo I get paperwork left on my desk, calls forwarded to me, sticky notes put on my monitor.  Enough!  I only have 8 hours a day and it's been exhausting trying to cover it all.  I suppose this sounds a bit like a rant, and I guess it is, LOL.  I came home today and actually took a nap.  A nap??  At 5 in the evening?  I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer.  I had to lay down, and now I will probably be up all night.  Oh what fun!?!  G will be back tomorrow and I can take a break from it all.  What's the saying, 'calgon, take me away.'   

Aaaahhh,,, but I'm at your service! 

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Winter Driving Skills!?!


It's been raining off and on here for days.  The leaves are down and scattered all over the roads.  You do know what that equals, correct?  Slippery roads!  Slamming your brakes on in an intersection covered in wet leaves can be a disaster.  Cutting a car off when the roads are that kind of slick can be a disaster.  If driving the past few days is any warning of what is to come for the first few snow falls, I think I will take the bus!   

I know folks outside of the Buffalo area think all we get is snow, but that is just rumor ::grin:: we had an exceptional summer.  Ok so it only lasts a few months, but we do have summer.  It just amazes me that after 6-7 months people forget their winter driving skills.  Yesterday I passed 3 accidents on my way to work and heard of plenty more on the traffic report.  Coming home yesterday I passed 2.  I was listening to a CD so I have no clue what was being reported.  Today on the way in, another doozy.  Four cars!  All of them pretty banged up.  I am sure it had nothing to do with the woman looking in her rear view mirror putting on makeup, or the guy on his cell drinking coffee.  

I hope people remember their winter driving skills and soon, I can't stand seeing cars/drivers like this on the roads.  I will have to leave earlier everyday to get to work on time.  LOL

A real memory?


I saw this picture and absolutely loved it.  I am not sure what it reminds me of, but it touched my heart.  I have memories of this somehow.  I love the old time scenes and boats always do something for me.  Maybe somehow it reminds me of a new found friend here on the net. I showed my sister and she told me she thought she use to have this picture.  LOL  Maybe that's it.  Either way I couldn't just leave it as is. 

Our Bug and Shoes!


My great niece is the subject of many entries here.  She is the light of everyone's eyes.  I know we all think 'our' kids are the cutest, the smartest, the funniest.  We all have that right.  We also have the right to brag on them.  Which is what I do.  LOL  I'm honest!  This little girl cracks me up making me smile more often than not.  She is a handful as well.  Unlike her brother she is not content to sit and read or watch TV, she wants to go.  You don't have to entertain her per say, but she is a pistol!  She will grow up to be a typical woman to no doubt.  At the age of 2 she already has a thing for shoes.  She loves them and has more pairs then I.  That is fact!  Several months ago she was here and brought her dress up shoes with her, I had to snap a picture of her posing.  You guessed, I also had to add a 'little' background to her.  She loves seeing herself on my computer and the more action and color the better.  She is funny with it to as she wants to see but then puts her head down, blushes, smiles and calls her name.  Don't even think you are going to move off her picture before she is ready.  She will tell you clearly 'NO' or 'more.' 

The Mighty Niagara


This is a picture I took some time ago with my digital camera.  If you've gone back in my journal you've probably seen it.  In the past I was able to animate one given part, either the still water reflecting or the falls moving.  After a few attempts and a lot of progress in learning the programs I was able to get both parts to move in the same picture.  I am pretty pleased with the result.  A picture no matter how much I or anyone else gets it move does not compare to the real thing.  The power of the water going over the brink is amazing.  If you ever get a chance to visit the falls going on the Maid of the Mist is a must!  Being at the bottom, sprayed with the water and mist, the sound of thunder as the water hits the rocks and water below, and the absolute beauty the falls holds close up is an experience you will hold for ever.

It's Time to Vote- VIVI


Well, in case you didn't know the VIVI nominations are in and the site to vote has been put up.  Voting runs until 11:59 this Sunday so don't wait too long.  I hope all of you will participate and select your favorites.  The first entry on the page has the link to vote.  Below that entry, you will find a list of all the nominations for each category.  By all means look around there are some great places out there! 

Vivi Awards

Keep in mind the voting site is by journal name (not username) so make sure you have it handy.  You don't have to vote in each category any category left empty will be just that.  

Congrats goes out to all the nominees and I wish everyone good luck!


Monday, October 24, 2005

A Ghostly Time


Just some Halloween fun :)

LOL had to do at least something in light of the Holiday around the corner.

My Place





A while ago I posted some pictures of a local place I go to get some peace and quiet and of course get some good pictures.  I animated the falls a bit here, surely doesn't compare to the one I did of Niagara Falls, but it will do :)  The other is just something I tried on an existing picture I picked up somewhere. 



Yeah right!  Not this girl.  I have courage when it comes to killing spiders, cheering on the underdog, protecting my son or 'our babies', but when it comes to me and just me.  NOT!  I have none, zippo, natta, I can be heard walking around 'bwak, bwak, bwak.'   Don't get me wrong, I fight for myself, stand up for myself, but there is this little line I'm not yet able to cross.  I have spurts here and there but I have a long way to go.  I'm learning and you folks here in J-Land help a great deal :)  Thank you!  I've gotten a ton of comments (for my journal anyway) and I appreciate them.  I watched my ticker climb for visitors but very few left their mark.  I often thought it was folks falling on me by accident and just leaving.  It's nice to see so many 'faces.'  With that said alerts must have been crazy busy and couldn't keep up because I wasn't notified each time so if I've missed you, I'm sorry.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Pushing it? Maybe


Ok, so maybe I am pushing it, but I found this graphic and it was absolutely beautiful.  You know me though, I had to add to it and make it move.  I had to animate it, like so many other pictures.  Wait until you see what I've done to family!  They will probably kill me when they see, but hey have a sense of humor already!  

Hmmm, suppose that is why I love hockey so much, because it moves?!?  That's it, it's my story and I'm sticky to it.  Pushing it or not I had to share this. 

PS and this one, animated by me as well.


Falling Ash


I went outside to grab something out of my car and the minute the door opened the smell of burning leaves engulfed me.  It was a wonderful smell and truly means summer is over.  Now, I live in a small town and open fires are not allowed, but at that moment I didn't care.  I had no idea where it was coming from and I stood on my step and took a few deep breaths enjoying the tingle I got from the chill in the air and aroma of it all.

I did get chilled as I didn't have a coat on and it is chilly here.  I decided to get to my car and retreat back in doors where I could smell my stew simmering.  As I made my way down the driveway and got closer to my car I thought, 'what the hell!?!'  For those of you reading, you know the aura with my car has not been great of late and today it appeared to be covered in a film.  The closer I got the more I realized it was covered with ash!  I have no idea why I didn't see it falling when I first came out, apparently I was too intrigued with the smell, but now I looked for the source and if it was possible it was landing on my car with embers still warm.  I did find the source to be next door way in the back, I could see the smoke rise above the trees.  There was no way the embers were hot as they landed but let me say I was not happy!  Had I done my sons dishes instead of leaving them in my sink I would have known there was a little fire going. It was clear shot from my kitchen window.  For a split second I wanted to bitch, cause a stink, call the cops, but this is the same neighbor who helps me clear that long driveway in the winter and I surely wasn't going to jeopardize that, but damn! 

We all know I will be wishing for rain tonight to wash it away or stop at the car wash tomorrow.  Aaahhh, the smell of burning leaves is always followed by falling ash.

Let us Grow


We all do our journals for different reasons, and I will be honest I started mine because I had extra time and thought it would be fun.  Any of you who have read from start to finish will see I started in June and pretty much kept things generic and scratching just the surface of my life.  Saturday was an emotional day for me as I really thought I would remove an entry for the first time ever, but the support I received from readers has been great and I decided to leave it.  It still gets to me when I think about it and I wonder if it was the right thing.  Alas, it's there and it will remain.  

I've been reading a lot of journals lately as I do intend on voting in the VIVI Awards and feel it is necessary to read more than one entry or one page of entries to get a feel for a journal.  Now, there is no way I could read all journals from start to finish, some have been around for years!  I did try to read the first entry and then randomly move forward.  What wonderful reads there are out there, but I did notice that some did start out slow or generic and slowly moved into more personal issues for various reasons.  It was great to see I am not the only one, and wonderful to see people grow.  

I feel I've grown a bit as well.  I cannot promise that every personal issue will be posted, I do not think I can go through another Saturday anytime soon.  LOL  The world did not end because of my post, and surely it never will.  I truly feel I've opened up a bit and it will get easier as time goes on.   

Since most things bloom in spring I may have picked the wrong time to blossom, but hey I'm being me :)  Let us all grow no matter what the season.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Miller Time!

  Well, the boys are still looking good early in the season.  They stand 6-2 with 12 points after beating the NY Rangers 3-1 tonight.  Ryan Miller has stood on his head at the right time in the past several games to keep the boys in there.  Knocking on wood (literally), he has matured and grown over the past couple of years and surely the entire season in Rochester last year during the lock out pulled his game up to a new level.  He is one victory short of becoming the first rookie goaltender to win 7 in the month of October since Ed Belfour did it in 1990.  

A big shout out to Danny Briere for scoring his 7th goal in 8 games, and Alice (Ales Kotalik) for picking up his game with some great hits and getting the blister of a shot off to get a few goals.  Vanek has wonderful vision on the ice and shows his determination game in and game out.  Currently he has 7 assists and is due for a goal!  Kudo's to the penalty kill as the stopped the Rangers on 5 attempts.  Previously the Rangers scored a power play goal in each of it's first 9 games.   

Ruff had the boys practicing hard over the week lull and practice they did, you can see an improvement on the powerplay and tonight they went 2 of 8.  They look pretty dangerous at times, and hopefully it will continue to improve.  With the rules being called it is a great advantage for them.  I do believe they are still the least penalized team in the league right now so if they take advantage when they are up a player it gives them a definite edge.  

Next game is Wednesday against the Washington Capitals and will be played in Rochester.

Tag of the Day Thursday & Friday




Ok, so these are not my best work but since I said I would post them, I am. It had been a long emotional week and I just couldn't get inspired with these.   

Here they are :)

Magic Moments


I clicked send on my entry for October's Artsy Essay and logged off the computer and went to bed.  Without warning, I had this overwhelming feeling of fear.  'What have I done?'  I couldn't believe I actually posted that story on line for the world to see.  Not that the world reads my journal mind you, but just the same it was out there.  I got out of bed and walked back into the living room with all intentions of removing the post.  I thought to myself, I could go back to Judith's entry and post a retraction, apologize for the inconvenience, in essence chicken out.  I turned around and went back to bed.  Only to toss and turn and get up once again with the same intentions, but I was tired.  I decided if I felt the same in the morning that is exactly what I'd do.  I felt my stomach rumble and roll, my breathing was heavy, I actually think I was having an anxiety attack.  All this over sharing a bit of my life, but it was with mostly strangers mind you and it was something I was not accustomed to doing.  I am not sure what time I actually fell asleep but I must have slept a least a little.  

I got up this morning and wasn't even out of my room when the feeling took over again. Why would I do that?  What was I thinking?  I flipped on the computer and went to make coffee.  When I came back I logged on, my hands were shaky and my heart pounding.  I am not sure what I thought I'd find, but I was so nervous.  The kind of nervous one gets when starting a new job, meeting a blind date, trying something new, all I can think of was I felt like I was jumping out of a plane and there was no turning back.  But alas, I could turn back, I could remove the entry and pretend like it never happened.  I could apologize to Judith, ask her to remove the link, I could, I could, I could.....  

I went to my journal, I thought I was actually going to remove it.  I read what I wrote, I cried, big salty tears rolled down my cheeks and Irelived those days through my words.  I hardly ever think about it, usually it comes to the forefront of my thoughts when I am starting new relationships whether friendships or lovers, I think-can I trust?  I haven't cried about it in years and was so surprised I cried this morning.  I don't think a tear fell last night as I wrote it.  I read the comments and cried a bit more and then it happened, it was like a weight had been lifted, a magic moment.  It was ok to share, no one was going to blame me, no one looked at me different, they understood.  

When I posted my entry into Judith's journal I said 'Wow!  I can't believe I actually did this one.  I will admit this was probably the hardest entry I've written.  Good Gawd Judith, did you open the flood gates?  Ya'll may be sorry :)'  Well guess what it is staying, and the flood gates may just be open.  Ah, magic moments indeed :)

Friday, October 21, 2005

Honored - VIVI Awards

   Oh my!  I just want to say thanks to everyone who visits me here.  I knew the VIVI Awards were going on and even selected a few of my own favorites but never in a million years did I think.............  

I got a comment on one my entries today saying congrats and I was stunned.  I thought there was some mistake, but I went and looked and sure enough there I was.  ::blush::  Since, I've gotten more comments either here or in email and I wanted to say thank you.   I just started this in June and am still learning all the tricks - I know I pale in comparison to what is out there but I am proud and very appreciative to those who thought of me.  Thank you!   

If you're interested go check things out.......... ya never know you may find some interesting reading and exciting things and feel free to vote for your favorite.   The VIVI Awards 

October's Artsy Essay


This months Essay topic - Judith HeartSong 'Tell us something: a secret, a wish, a thought  or hope, your greatest desire or temptation, or something unique about you.....'  

I've gone back and forth on what to write, if I wanted to, if I was ready.  I've kept my journal pretty general and haven't gotten to the spot or level where I could write freely about my life, about me, about my 'personal side.'  Not that I didn't want to or that I wanted to keep 'secrets', but I am a private person for the most part.  I'm not the type of person that can just blurt out what are more often than not considered private issues.  Then today a conversation took place at work and a comment, 'I really have a hard time feeling bad for people in that situation as they make their own choices.'  I know it wasn't meant maliciously and the person did go on to qualify it with reasoning I could see, but it did make me think and made me decide I would write about it here, today, for strangers to see.   

Very few people in my real life even know this. I've wondered if it was because I thought people would think less of me, if I was insecure, if people would treat me different, if down deep I thought it was none of their business.  It happened so long ago and after years of confusion and trying to rebuild myself I put it deep inside me as a distant memory, some may call it a secret.    I got married and lived outside Dallas, TX many years ago.  It wasn't a perfect marriage by any stretch but we thought we were in love and were happy.  Things weren't the greatest at first because of the never ending money issues but we always made it, we shared everything and we worked extremely hard to keep things together.  Who needs a million dollars tobe happy?  Just before I found out I was pregnant things began to change.  Distance seemed to be taking hold and with each passing day we talked less and did fewer and fewer things together.  It was like we lived together but we were separate.  When I found out I was pregnant I was scared, extremely scared.  I was thrilled that I had a human inside me, I always wanted tons of kids to nurture, cuddle, take care of.  Have them depend on me as I depended on them.  But knew on the outside my life was slowly falling apart.  How could I bring an innocent child into this world?  When I told him he was happy.  Things seemed to slowly come back to the way they were.  We went to the Dr. appointments together, we giggled and laughed over the sonograms because at first we couldn't make out the picture but told the Dr. we could, we teased over what names would we would pick, and if we wanted to know the sex.  Blissful, right?  The way it should be? Wrong!  

It was all an act, it was like fun loving guy was a character he played and the real man was miserable.  Didn't want to be married, didn't want a family, didn't want anything.  The night I went into labor it took me hours to get him up.  For a while I actually thought if the contractions got any closer I'd be driving myself to the hospital.  I had called the Dr. and he said if contractions get closer to call him and then meet him there otherwise he would see me in his office the next morning.  He did finally get up and sat with me but I could see in his eyes he really didn't care.  At one point I thought maybe he was scared, but looking back I don't think so.  I made it through the night and the next day he took me to the Dr. appointment.  I was in labor but I wasn't really dilated much and under normal circumstances I'd probably be sent home, but my blood pressure had went through the roof and they wanted me admitted.  He got me situated in my room and left. He left me in the hospital to deal with all the emotions on my own, the pain, everything.  I got my support from my Dr. and the nurses.  He arrived back at the hospital hours after I had been in recovery.  He did pass by the nursery but like most new dads it wasn't like he was there for hours, he was home and we were there.  

I should have left then, I should have packed things up and moved on but I honestly wanted to have a Mom and Dad for my son.  I didn't want to give up so 'easy.'  I wanted it to work.  I thought I loved him.  Looking back it must have been lust or fear.  Needless to say I stayed.  I fought for our marriage, our family.  I tried with all my might.  Slowly but surely the non talking became yelling, the sleeping on the couch, the pretending he was asleep anytime I was in the same room with him.  Then he stopped going to work, without even telling me.  I was paying for daycare as he sat home all day!  It didn't take long before the 'gig' was up and then the money issues started.  Scraping and clawing to pay rent, the bills, put food on the table.  Yet it was all my fault!?  I worked full time, took care of a child, the house, and he spent time out at the movies, doing whatever he wanted.  If I brought things up, it would be a scream, a shove, a push, a grab, a slap, never a punch and never did I have a bruise that could be seen but my insides were black and blue and I ached with a pain like none other I had ever felt.   

One day I came home from work, he was laying on the couch with a headset on listening to something from our music collection, my son was screaming in his crib, and the house was a disaster.  I tried to be quiet, 'maybe he had a bad day,' but when he realized I was home the yelling began.  He jumped off the couch and followed me into the babies room.  I picked up my son and comforted him, or at least tried as the yelling about who knows what was going on.  Back in the living room there was a point that he got so close to me as I held my son I felt the fear crawl up my back and all my hair stand on end.  I put my son down on the floor as I felt in my heart that was safest.  I moved away from him so not to be too close and then it happened.  The desk in the corner was lifted and pushed/tossed across the room.  The contents on top went flying across the room, the drawers scattered and the wooden case of the desk landed within inches of the baby.  At that moment I decided I was leaving.  It was not a month later and my son and I were back in NY.  We had our clothes and each other everything else stayed.  I wasn't going to wait and see what would happen next.  

We all make choices but they are not always black and white.  Usually there are circumstances behind them and if you don't know them, if you haven't been there you can't for one minute make an honest decision on what you would do.  There is all kinds of abuse, emotional and physical is what I experienced for years.  It wasn't until much later that I realized what it actually was.  I knew married life was not an easy thing and it took work.  I knew things were wrong, but always made excuses, tried to explain it away.  

The choice I made that day in January long ago was probably the best choice I made ever.  As the years have gone by it's like I was never married.  We have no contact with him.  He has not been a part of my sons life unless he felt the need, and that has been about every 4-5 years or so.  He never gave me child support and when we went to court he quit his job and went into a homeless shelter leaving me with all the bills.  I never tried again, at that point I found out how strong I was and I could do it by myself.  

So there you have it, my secret.....


Has winter arrived?


I woke up this morning to a bright blue sky and the sun shining, but my heater had kicked in.  Apparently, what I could see sneaking through my blinds was very misleading.  I got up and started making coffee.  As I looked out the back window I was looking into the woods and what was left of the colorful leaves on the trees.  The wind a few days ago had pretty much wiped them clean and left lots of bare branches.  There was a subtle steam rolling across the grass and it looked like my yard was blanketed with diamonds.  Oh, I could only dream!  The frost had been laid and as the sunbeams filtered through the steam/fog it made some of the blades of grass glisten.  The air was still and everything looked mysterious as little rainbows were floating close to the ground.  It was a beautiful sight but my camera is not sophisticated enough to catch it, believe me I tried.   

After I was dressed and puttering around I decided to actually look out the front window.  I'm not exactly sure why, but I did and I am not sure why I was surprised after seeing my backyard but I think my jaw dropped.  My car had a layer of frost/ice on it.  I quickly grabbed my things and ran out the door.  I was hoping with all my might it would wipe clean with my wipers, but alas that aura.  It was much thicker than I had thought.  I didn't have time to let my car warm up enough to melt it away so I jumped out of my car, opened the trunk and grabbed the dreaded scrapper.  YIKES!  It's only October and here I am scrapping my windows so I could get to work on time.  I am not ready!!  And I surely wasn't going to try driving with an inch by inch circle to look through.   

Thank God when I jumped in my car it was warmer than the air, as my hands were numb and my fingers felt prickly.  I started driving to work and alternated which hand would be near the vent to thaw out.  I was casually driving along on the highway and after passing a few cars I found myself behind a little BMW (I think) and believe it or not the guy had his top down!  It was so cold and he was driving about 60-65.  I shivered and thought 'you jerk!'.  LOL He was either going through a mid life crisis or was getting in his last hurrah of the year.  Either way he had to be frozen solid and numb when he arrived to where he was going.  I hope someone was around to help him get out of the car when he was ready.  

They are calling for a chilly weekend with possible snow further south and in the typical snow country.  I know we have a few more nice days before the snow actually flies, but I wanted fall to last just a bit longer.  Wishing for Indian Summer should start in November not October!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Heaven Calls


It was a long day today.  I knew something was wrong as soon as I noticed G's car was not in the parking lot.  As I mentioned in an earlier entry, her dad has been extremely ill.  She is ALWAYS in the office before me and when I saw her parking spot empty my heart sank.  I wasn't 100% sure what had happened, but I knew it couldn't be good.  I got to the department and no one had heard from her and our boss was going to be in late.  I checked the lights on our boss's phone and sure enough there was a message.  I could feel my eyes swell a bit as my heart immediately went out to her and her family.  Obviously I couldn't check the message, but in my heart I knew.  Within a few minutes my phone rang.  I answered in my normal business fashion and the noise on the other end told me it was G.  She was a mess!  I could hear her trying to stop sobbing so she could say something.  She could barely talk and I tried my best not to make her.  Both my parents are alive and more or less healthy. I could not pretend to know what she was going through, and wasn't even going to try and say I did.  I gave her my sympathies and did my best to make her understand there was nothing more she could have done.  Apparently, last night she got a call and was told once again it could be within the day.  She had made arrangements to drive down this morning, but her phone rang in the middle of the night to say he was gone.  She was beating herself up for not taking the over 3 hour drive last night.  I told her not to do that.  I have heard sometimes people that ill 'almost' pick their time and since it was just he and his wife maybe he decided it was time.  All I know is heaven called him home.  He is out of pain and in a better place.  My heart breaks for her and I wish there was more I could do.  Of course, I had some things sent to her Mother's house but I can't take the hike there to attend any of the services.  I just hope she knows I love her and wish I could make her pain go away.   

G he'll always be looking down on you and be so proud to see what and who you are!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Tag of the Day-Wednesday


Today we were sent a still witch stirring her brew.  I was a bit stumped for a few minutes.  I was in the middle of cooking my own supper and decided to make the fire twinkle a bit and the brew move.  Join me for dinner?  LOL   

PS after my meeting from this morning it wouldn't surprise me if my face looked a bit like this.

And the rains came


I had a meeting at work first thing this morning.  I won't bore you with all the details, but after an hour and a half it was over and I needed fresh air!  I grabbed my jacket and headed downstairs and out the back door.  When I opened the door and headed out into the parking lot the wind was blowing pretty good.  My office is downtown and not far from the lake so it can become a little wind tunnel there.  The leaves were being ripped off the branches and scattered wildly through the parking lot.  Small twigs and the dusty dirt on the pavement was being whipped into little funnel clouds across the black top.  The sky was dark, full of big thick puffy clouds of grays and blacks, if I don't didn't know better I would have said they were snow clouds.  Off in the distance was a dark jagged line of black and just past that was clear blue sky.  Light powder blue like you'd see in the dead of winter.  As I stood there and gathered my thoughts, a rumble of thunder erupted.  It was so loud and had such force I thought the ground moved.  Before I could even turn around the sky opened up and the rain came.  It didn't start out slow, it came down hard and fast.  The wind forced the drops into me with such force it felt as though my face was being pinched or poked with needles.  It didn't take long for puddles to form in low spots on the ground and the leaves danced.  A wild tango dance that pushed them to and fro with each pelt of rain and each ripple the wind caused.  I ran to the door but not before I was soaked.  I shook of the excess water as I got in the door, dried my shoes on the mat so not to slip on the tile and headed back upstairs.  The pounding on the roof was so loud it sounded as though the entire ceiling was going to cave in.  As I waited for the elevator I closed my eyes and thought, 'do I wait?'  One of my biggest fears in life is getting stuck in an elevator, and you know why, right?  With my luck I'd be stuck between floors and have to use the restroom!  I did get on and pushed the button for the second floor.  I've always said we have the slowest elevator in the world.  You'd think you were going up 100 floors and it is only 1, but today it was slow, real slow, maybe it took hours, because by the time I got off on the second floor I could see out the front windows and the sun was shining and the crisp blue sky was all you could see.  The rains came hard and fast and moved out as quick as they came.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Tag of the Day-Tuesday


I am pretty proud of this one as I animated it myself :)  I love the heavy breathing! ::giggle::  

It started out as a plain bear, and was definitely more inspiring than yesterday.  Or was it I was more awake?  LOL

Dreams, hope, & wishes


They are a funny thing, aren't they?  Dreams, hope, and wishes are part of our being.  We wish for World peace, to win the lottery.  Hope for kindness from all mankind, our friends to be safe, dream of a better life, for love.  We want the best for ourselves, our friends and our loved ones.  We want the best for complete strangers at times.  We wish life would be full of happiness and fair.    

Things don't always work out the way we want.  I remember the little house with a picket fence, lots of kids running around, a cute little dog, nature all around me.  Trees, a pond, beautiful flowers, off on a country road.  A dream, a hope, a wish I had many many years ago.  I have a chain link fence, no dog and a cat that had to be put down over the holidays last year, a 19 year old and on a busy street.  Go figure!  At my age I thought I'd be someplace else.  Where?  I have no clue!  I am happy, I'm healthy, and I can 'hold' my own.   I look around and see people in a worse spot than I, and I dream, I hope, and I wish.  

Dreams are a good thing!  Hope is a good thing!  Wishes are the best :)

Monday, October 17, 2005

Tag of the Day- Monday


Well, the tag of the day was not inspiring in my eyes, and I just wasn't in to it, but I did do it.  The tube was actually one guy, the shadow, and the factory buildings.  

Pretty sad attempt, eh?  LOL

Day of Relaxation......


The company I work for has a 'use it or lose it policy,' and with the end of the year coming I have PTO time that needs to be used.  I already have the week between Christmas and New Years off and still have several days I need to take.  I decided last week I would take today as one of my days.  I really didn't make plans, I was going to use the day for relaxation, which is what I did.  I puttered around the house, picked up here and there, cooked a roast for dinner.  I did a lot, but accomplished very little.   

I watched some TV, caught up on some reading, napped with me feet up.  LOL  But, hey that is what was supposed to happen today.  Can I just say I can't stand the soaps, the court shows are just as bad, and after about 10am there is nothing on TV until late in the afternoon.  How do people become addicted to these shows?  I mean I have an addictive personality but not for junk shows!

These are the laws of the natural universe


Got this in mail today, and though I've seen it before I had to post it today, because it is so true!!

~ Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your
nose will begin to itch.

~ Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least
accessible corner.

~ Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy

~ Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you
had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

~ Variation Law: If you change lines or traffic lanes, the one you were in
will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

~ Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone

~ Law of Lines: When you walk IN the grocery store, there's never anyone in
the checkout line.

~ Inverse Hair Dryer Law: You're sure you hear the phone ringing in the
background, until you turn the hair dryer off.

~ Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know
increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

~ Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't
work, it will.

~ Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional
to the reach.

~ Theater Law: At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the
aisle arrive last.

~ Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss
will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

~ Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.

~ Law of Natural Attraction: If you and your date are the only two on a
five-mile stretch of beach, the family of five will set up right next to

~ Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich
landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness
and cost of the carpet/rug.

~ Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

~ Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you
are talking about.

~ Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

~ Law of the Last Word: "Hey, watch this!"

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Luv Ya Lots Girlfriend!



Yes, I made it :)



This must have been 'catch up' weekend.  I received and made a few calls to friends.  Good friends, you know the type, the ones you don't see or talk to nearly enough.  Life happens and no matter how much you try, you just can't get together like you want.  It's not that we've grown apart really, but our needs and lives go in different directions.  

When my son was little, most of these girls were still single.  Some understood my responsibilities, some just didn't get it.  They didn't know why I couldn't go out every night like I did before, why I couldn't take regular vacations without him.  Needless to say, those that didn't get it moved on rather quickly and severed the relationship.  I always felt their loss.  Those that did understand, we became that much closer.  They loved having him around and included him in as many of 'the plans' as they could.  He loved them and called many of them his girlfriends.  Don't get me wrong, I did things without him, we all need to do that.  As a single Mom since he was 2, it wasn't something I liked to do often.  Working full time and running the household there was very little time with him as it was.  I surely wasn't going to spend every free moment of mine without him.  I enjoyed his company and he enjoyed mine.  Oh, those where they days!  At 19 he isn't in a big hurry right now to spend time with his Mother, LOL.  I know there will be a day when he won't mind being with me, so no worries.  

Anyway, how times have changed.  Now the girls have their children, all being under 10.  So the table has turned, I can come and go and they can't.  Now it's me going to the t-ball games, kiddy soccer, watching their kids grow.  Sure, I have friends that can go as I go, but I always miss the 'good 'ole days.'    

The girls I talked to this weekend will be friends forever, no matter what life throws our way we find a way.  If it's days, weeks, or months, we always find a way to spend time together to catch up in person, on the phone, email, whatever.  Even if months and months go by it's always like yesterday.  Friends that can read your mind, sense your mood by your voice or by your words are friends you cherish for a life time!

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Game Tonight


The boys play their 6th game tonight against the Florida Panthers.  The Panthers have Luongo who is generally a great goalie.  He is probably coming off one of his worst appearances, giving up 3 goals in just over one period and being pulled from the game against Boston on Thursday.  He will definitely be looking to prove something tonight.  

There is a long way to go in the season of 82 games, but the boys have started out great, standing 4-1 as of now.  The won outright against the NY Islanders and Boston Bruins.  They won in overtime against the Pittsburgh Penguins and in a shootout against the Tampa Bay Lightning.  Their loss came at the hands of the Ottawa Senators, one of the favorites to win it all this year.   

Miller has started all games to date and has a 2.91 goals against.  He has looked extremely good and has definitely matured and grown since the last NHL season.  Our goal scorers are not any surprise.  Briere has 3 goals, 2 assists.  Afinogenov has 3 goals and no assists as of yet.  Gaustad has 2 goals and 2 assists.  Nice addition from the Amerks, he plays with great intensity and looks good out there!  Dumont has 2 goals and 1 assist.  Vanek has 4 assists, and has got to break out soon with goals.  He is phenomenal!  The strength he shows when carrying the puck is something this team has missed in the past few years.  He did score the winning goal in the shootout in TB, but the shoot out numbers do not go into the players stats.  With the number of posts he has hit and all the close calls he is bound to have a scoring run soon.  Starting tonight?  Ah, that would be nice.  

If anyone cares, Satan has 2 goals and 1 assist,  Zhitnik 1 goal and 1 assist withthe Islanders.  

Lets go boys bring home win #5!!




Had to share this.  I've been trying off and on to get a butterfly to flap its wings.  All I ever got was it 'jumping' around.  Finally, it worked!  I have a beautiful butterfly flapping its wings.  Yehaw!  Ok so little things.... ::giggle:: nevermind.   I just had to show it off :)