I clicked send on my entry for October's Artsy Essay and logged off the computer and went to bed. Without warning, I had this overwhelming feeling of fear. 'What have I done?' I couldn't believe I actually posted that story on line for the world to see. Not that the world reads my journal mind you, but just the same it was out there. I got out of bed and walked back into the living room with all intentions of removing the post. I thought to myself, I could go back to Judith's entry and post a retraction, apologize for the inconvenience, in essence chicken out. I turned around and went back to bed. Only to toss and turn and get up once again with the same intentions, but I was tired. I decided if I felt the same in the morning that is exactly what I'd do. I felt my stomach rumble and roll, my breathing was heavy, I actually think I was having an anxiety attack. All this over sharing a bit of my life, but it was with mostly strangers mind you and it was something I was not accustomed to doing. I am not sure what time I actually fell asleep but I must have slept a least a little.
I got up this morning and wasn't even out of my room when the feeling took over again. Why would I do that? What was I thinking? I flipped on the computer and went to make coffee. When I came back I logged on, my hands were shaky and my heart pounding. I am not sure what I thought I'd find, but I was so nervous. The kind of nervous one gets when starting a new job, meeting a blind date, trying something new, all I can think of was I felt like I was jumping out of a plane and there was no turning back. But alas, I could turn back, I could remove the entry and pretend like it never happened. I could apologize to Judith, ask her to remove the link, I could, I could, I could.....
I went to my journal, I thought I was actually going to remove it. I read what I wrote, I cried, big salty tears rolled down my cheeks and Irelived those days through my words. I hardly ever think about it, usually it comes to the forefront of my thoughts when I am starting new relationships whether friendships or lovers, I think-can I trust? I haven't cried about it in years and was so surprised I cried this morning. I don't think a tear fell last night as I wrote it. I read the comments and cried a bit more and then it happened, it was like a weight had been lifted, a magic moment. It was ok to share, no one was going to blame me, no one looked at me different, they understood.
When I posted my entry into Judith's journal I said 'Wow! I can't believe I actually did this one. I will admit this was probably the hardest entry I've written. Good Gawd Judith, did you open the flood gates? Ya'll may be sorry :)' Well guess what it is staying, and the flood gates may just be open. Ah, magic moments indeed :)
1 comment:
I like this entry as much as the other one. What I've discovered through the years is that people are drawn to honesty because it tells them something important about their own lives. We haven't all had your exact experience, but we've all been called upon at times in our lives to do something brave. Maybe we answered the call, and maybe we didn't. Reading about your conflict takes us right back there to our own experience, and we don't feel so alone.
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